May Again
by Canne
Summary: May has never been a good month for Josh.


Title: May Again

Author: Claire

Summary: May has never been a good month for Josh.

Disclaimer: Don't own it, never have.

Author's Note: I sat down to write Chapter 4 for my "Of Campaigns, Mistakes, and Love" series. Instead, I came up with this. It's rather nostalgic, which suits the mood I'm in. Sorry to anyone who likes the new Donna (if such people exist). I, obviously, don't like her at all and feel that she morphed into Amy 2.0, minus the wit. That said, please enjoy this story and respond with comments. I would be particularly interested in hearing any pro- new Donna arguments. For the record, I am a J/D fan but I needed to get this out of my system.

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It's May again. They've been back at the White House for four months and already he can't remember the swearing-in ceremony. He can recall every single moment of Bartlet's inauguration, every word that was spoken and every song played at every ball, but he remembers nothing of this most recent inauguration. What is more, he can't find it in himself to care that he doesn't remember.

He feels ancient, perhaps because he lives more in his memories than in the present. When he walks into the Roosevelt room, he can still see Ed and Larry arguing over one of their charts, Toby berating Sam for his creativity with sentence structure, and CJ joking with Carol over something one of the reporters said. It takes him several moments to realize that they're not there. Except for Sam, but then the Sam that's here hardly resembles the youthful, naïve staffer that Josh remembers. Sam without his idealism, without his passion, is just another boring Washington insider. But, Josh reminds himself, that's what they all are now. The realization disgusts him, but he can't think of how to change anything and, even if he could, he lacks the energy to implement any plan. He knows now why Leo always looked so wistful when surrounded by his youthful staffers.

It's May again and he's counting the days until the month is over. He is not used to being so emotional, so fragile, and he's embarrassed that this is what he's become. But it's easier to admit to weakness rather than to hide and pretend that everything is fine. He learned that lesson long ago. So he lets May take its toll on him, but only in private, where only those he knows can witness how weak he has become.

Donna looks at him strangely when he comes out of the shower with red eyes. It's a pitying look and he's seen it too frequently since they started doing whatever this is. She doesn't like the term 'dating', which also means that he's not allowed to call her his girlfriend. Terms like 'partner' and 'co-habitating' seem emotionless and he shuns their use. So they remain in limbo, undefined and uncommitted. They are trapped by words which, he admits to himself, is ironic, considering their shared weakness for verbosity.

It's May again and he spends part of every day on the phone with Toby. Toby, who spent so many years talking so very little and seeing so very much, has become his closest friend, his confident. It is with Toby that he shares the pain of May. Toby remembers the things that haunt Josh the most; he remembers blood on a blue dress shirt and images of twisted black metal on CNN.

May has never been a good month for Josh. He wakes up one morning coughing and he can almost feel the smoke in his lungs. Even though it's three in the morning, he goes into the living room and picks up the phone. He falls asleep while still on the phone, his mother's voice the last thing he hears. Donna finds him on the couch the next morning, clutching the phone to his chest. She doesn't say anything, even though he wishes she would. His sister would have been fifty this year.

It's May again and he writes six drafts before he's happy with his letter of resignation. He takes special pleasure signing it, using his good pen, the pen his father gave him when he graduated from Yale. The President's face when he reads the letter would amuse Josh if it weren't May. It is a short letter, but to the point. Josh has worked in this building for eight years and tonight, for the first time in his life, he goes home early.

Donna comes home early as well, but only because she wants to yell at him. She wants an explanation, wants to know why he resigned, why he didn't tell her what he was going to do. Josh feels like he is arguing with a stranger. This isn't Donna, it can't be. The scorn in her eyes shocks him. What happened to the quirky, loving, trivia-obsessed woman who had enchanted him so many years ago? He softly tells her of his most recent medical appointment, expecting her to be upset and emotional. She is, but they aren't the emotions he was expecting. She reminds him that his hero had not only come back to work after a heart attack, he had run for Vice-President. He looks at her, maybe for the first time in a year, and he can't feel anything except disgust. She storms out of the apartment before he can formulate a response, and he's glad to see her go.

He wakes up the next morning with the sun shining in his face. May is over and he doesn't have a job or Donna or any idea of what he's going to do with his life. But he feels good. It is June and, for him, it is a new beginning.

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